Ship-Wide Survey
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: What are those background crewmen always working on, as they type away at their PADDs? One of them is working on a survey. The question: an age-old riddle...


**A/N: If you go to any Star Trek humor website, you might find an entry of Star Trek characters' answers to the question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It's a funny read, but the "Voayger" answers are limited to the way the characters acted in the earliest of episodes. So I decided to show how their answers may have changed.**

**This is an oldster, that I've had up on DeviantArt for years now. I only now decided to upload it on this site. The only problem is, I'm not sure if simply posting a funny list of answers would breach Fanfic. net's guidelines (I've heard that stories written in "screenplay format" technically aren't allowed, which of course spells trouble for my "Spoof Trek series...) So I've worked these answers into a little narrative. Feel free to skip the frame story, if you want. **

* * *

Naomi Wildman was bored. She'd run out of people to stalk. She'd grown tired of mimicking Seven of Nine. Neelix didn't need any help in the kitchen. The captain didn't need an assistant. Chakotay wasn't planning any mutinies (that he was willing to let Naomi in on). Icheb and the Borg kids were regenerating. Tom and Harry were playing "Captain Proton." B'Elanna was on her period. The Doctor was singing some opera song in Sickbay that hurt Naomi's ears. And Tuvok had gone crazy again (or gotten possessed or whatever), so Naomi was avoiding him for now.

Naomi was so deep in thought that she very nearly collided with a crewmen, who was herself concentrating on a PADD in her hands. The two exchanged quick apologies. The crewmen made to continue down the hall, but Naomi stopped her.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, just the typical everyday report, due to Commander Chakotay."

Naomi cocked her head. "I never thought about it before. But what do you rank-less, background crew-people do reports on?"

"Oh," the crewmen shrugged. "You know, general starship stuff."

"Like _what_? The senior officers basically do everything, in every episode. B'Elanna does all the Engineering, Tom does the piloting _and_ builds all the shuttles, Tom and the Doctor manage Sickbay by themselves, and Harry seems to do everything else. What are the other 200 people on this ship doing all day?"

The Crewmen licked her lips. "It's extremely complicated. It would probably bore you to tears-"

Naomi suddenly swiped the PADD from her, and began scrolling through the data.

* * *

_**SHIP-WIDE SURVEY: Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road? **_

_**CAPTAIN JANEWAY:** Because the chicken realized that she made a mistake. She put the lives of strangers before her own coup. But now she is going to cross that road and get her crew home, and damn the consequences if she causes a traffic pile-up!_

_**CHAKOTAY:** How much is reaching the other side worth? Did the chicken look both ways? Did she consider the consequences of the traffic pile-up she could cause, running out into the road without looking? This reminds me of a parable I heard as a child. This will only take an hour or two…_

_**SEVEN OF NINE:** Chickens are irrelevant to our duties aboard this ship. This conversation is terminated._

_**TUVOK:** I am unfamiliar with the psychology of poultry. A more logical person to ask would be the farmer._

_**B'ELANNA TORRES:** Tom put you up to this, didn't he. Shut up and get back to work, Ensign. And if you try to waste my time with another stupid riddle like that, I'll rip out your tongue and wear it as a belt._

_**TOM PARIS:** Oh come on, that's the best you can do? That's the oldest one in the book! You wanna hear something funny? So, I decided to try to introduce B'Elanna to "Captain Proton"…_

_**HARRY KIM:** Hey Tom, it was better than that stupid bicycle joke!_

_**THE DOCTOR:** Riddles are a fascinating part of human culture, aren't they? The ancient Greeks posed a great riddle about animals. What animal walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon…._

_**NEELIX:** Well speaking of chicken, I assure you, my leola-root-tribble surprise tastes just like it! Give it a try!_

_**KES:** Why? Because of YOU! You filled her head with ideas of exploration, and then you abandoned her! But she'll make the whole farm pay. Because while she leads her past self across the road to safety, the farmers will be feasting on your drumsticks!_

_**NAOMI WILDMAN:** Um, was she running from a monster? No? The Borg? Sigh. Well while I'm figuring it out, you can help me find a puzzle piece that looks like Tuvok's ear._

_**SAMANTHA WILDMAN:** Because she wished she could spend more time with her chick, but had to work all day on a starship listening to lame riddles. _

_**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Clearly, the chicken lost his objectivity and abandoned his post. _

_**ICHEB:** Very well, you can call me "Itchy," just as long as you work on your sense of humor._

**_MEZOTI: _**_The avian life-form probably fled because its coup was haunted, like Deck 12._

_**AZAN:** To get to the other_

_**REBI:** side. Shut up Naomi, we are _

_**AZAN:** not using our neural link to cheat!_

_**SESKA:** Chickens crossing roads? Ha ha, you're the funniest man I've ever met! It's almost a shame I have to kill you._

_**BORG QUEEN:** I see you have adapted their human concept of humor. You should not waste time pondering the motives of imperfect species._

_**JOE CARREY:** I can't find anything about chickens crossing roads in the Starfleet handbook, so we shouldn't waste our time with this nonsense._

_**VORIK:** I am unfamiliar with this riddle, but will attempt to answer it logically. You are very attractive, if I may say so. Excuse me, I was distracted. As I was saying, the logical answer is that the chicken must have been attempting to reach something desirable on the other side of the road, such as birdfeed. Or an attractive hen. With sexy Klingon ridges on her forehead, and brunette hair…_

_**REG BARCLAY:** J-just give me some more time to figure out the answer! Can't you imagine how lonely it must be, a tiny chicken, crossing a highway all by itself?_

**_DEANNA TROI: _**_It sounds like a dangerous form of escapism to me. It's a lot of pressure, laying eggs for a living. Not all birds are cut out for it. It's understandable that the chicken would want to run away; but this is obviously self-destructive behavior, and it needs to stop before someone ends up as road salsa. _

**_DR. LEWIS ZIMMERMAN: _**_Oh please. That riddle is ancient. It's obsolete. My Mark-1 could come up with something more clever!_

**_EMH MARK 2: _**_Chickens are not flighted birds. That highway is busy. The animal's odds of survival are dismal at best. No time to smell the roses. No time for self-discovery, not time for...sex...!_

_**LON SUDER:** I want to fight the urges, but whenever I hear a really, really lame riddle, I just GET THE URGE TO KILL! No, no, I'm sorry. I just need to meditate! I'm in my quiet place... _

_**CHELL:** Pfft. I can make a fried chicken bucket as well as Neelix can. I don't see why he never lets me use the kitchen._

_**TABOR:** He was either running from a Cardassian butcher, or a possessed Vulcan with a penchant for mind-melds_

_**JOR:** I'm sure the chicken didn't mean to case a traffic pile-up. She was probably just in a hurry to get to the library, to find a book to read her comatose friend. _

**_TAL CELES: _**_W-why are you asking me this? Is this a test? I have an excuse, I swear! I was working on that diagnostic for Seven..._

**_BILLY TELFER: _**_Um...hang on, I know this one...ugh I don't feel good...oh god, I think I'm coming down with the chicken pox! Are those fatal? _

**_MORTIMER HARREN: _**_It probably wanted off this idiotic ship, to pursue a career in something interesting. _

_**ANNORAX:** It never crossed any road. Not in this time line. But I will not rest until every barn, every animal, every single feather on that chicken has been restored into history!_

_**CAPTAIN RANSOM:** What're a few feathery bumps on the road compared to our goal? We can't give up now, not when we're so close. We're going home!_

_**MIRAL PARIS:** I told those Klingons that you didn't mean to tell such lame riddles. But I also told them that if they didn't laugh anyway, I'd break their arms._

_**ADMIRAL JANEWAY:** To answer that question, I'd have to tell you things about the chicken you don't want to hear. The Temporal Prime Directive, take it from me, it's much less of a headache if you just ignore it._

_**CAPTIAIN PROTON:** To rescue the damsel on the other side, and defend the universe!_

_**CHAOTICA:** (Throwing a hand in the air) DON'T try to distract me with cheap riddles! You have fooled me for the last time, my love!_

_**ARACHNIA, QUEEN OF THE SPIDER PEOPLE:** Why, that chicken was probably a minion of my arch nemesis, the…Feathered Emperor. He is planning to conquer you, my lord. But if you join with me, we can defeat him together, as husband and wife._

_**CONSTANCE GOODHEART:** AAAAAAAEEEEEEEE!_

_**CAPTAIN BRAXTON:** I'll explain why! It's a simple matter of A leads to B leads to C. A: The chicken's future self crosses the rode backwards, traveling backwards through time. B: A semi hits the chicken, causing a temporal explosion, alerting the present-day chicken. C: The present-day chicken travels backwards in time, trying to find the source of the explosion, when the semi truck arrives…_

* * *

_"..._so this is what you guys have been doing for all these years?" Naomi asked. "Taking surveys like this, and..." she skimmed through some of the other programs saved on the PADD. "...playing Angry Birds?"

The crewmen sighed. "That's about the size of it."

"And when you turn this into Commander Chakotay, he...?"

"Won't read it. He never reads our reports. I spied on him a few times. He takes all the PADDs we turn in and builds pyramids and Eiffel Towers out of them. Look around his office more carefully, next time you visit. You'll see them against the walls, on the shelves and stuff."

Naomi had been in Chakotay's office a few times. She thought it over, and her eyes widened. "So that Mayan/Aztec mosaic thing on his wall, made out of all those little rectangles...he just took your reports, and some paint, and...?"

The crewmen burst into tears.

* * *

**A/N: I wrote that frame story on the spot, and now I'm actually glad I did. Guess I owe one to this site's guidelines!**


End file.
